ADHD: A Journey
of Learning to Forgive
This photo was taken in Texas on the Gulf of Mexico. The sand was dark brown, and the wind coming over the waves was cool and smelled bad. Along the shore were thousands of shells and stranded wobbly jellyfish. It was my first encounter with a large body of water and I was entranced by the white foam erasing the sand from under my feet.
If you asked me how old I was, I'd proudly smile all tiny baby teeth and very matter of fact tell you I just turned seven and a half. Then, I would fill your ears with story after story of what I had seen and done that day, punctuated only by a sudden gasp for air.
I was spunky, smart, and passionate about what I liked. I had no shame.
When you are seven and a half, people think it's cute to talk too much, forget simple things, and blurt things out loud. Eventually, as you grow, they replace cute and interesting with words like annoying and self involved. If you don't know it's ADHD and no one else knows either, you become the problem.
Shame is a persistent and harmful emotion that clings to all of us, and we weren’t born with this feeling, we are taught it.
So how does one unlearn it?
Over breakfast with my friends we talk about how we are doing. I play with my fork and wait. I mention I’ve started therapy which is met with nodding and encouragement. “I’m learning to forgive myself.” I say, and my friends smile and wish me well on this journey.
But saying I am learning is a way to prolong confronting the hurt. Peeling away the cracked paint, the truth under it all is there was never anything wrong with who I was and still am.
This is no longer a journey, but a matter of me arriving fully to where I belong.